back on track

i got to talk to Clayton yesterday, he has some uncertainties and i understand that i have my own. we've both did some real dirty things to eachother, and weve both misplaced trust that we wernt completly comfortable with. The distance and the years have worn on both of our hearts. we have both changed in many diffrent ways and it's going to take work to get us on track again. i belieave we can do it though i love him sooo much and am willing to prove that we can do it as a joint effort!

Ups and downs

so me and claytong are on the down again, It's sooo frustrating he's to busy being confused and causious that he doesn't even take the time to open his eyes and see who i realy am. Ive changed so much over the years and he rather concentrate on who i was or saying he doesn't know who i am to actually get to know me. he doesn't know that my favorite place on earth is when i'm sitting on my surf bored in the middle of the ocean, he doesn't know that my favorite food is a kabob, he probably hasn't even taken notice that my favorite color is blue or my favorite flower is a lilly or that when i get out of the army i want to go back to school to raise the standards of my children, he doesn't know that ive given my life to god and i live a diffrent way now and my faith is a major part of my life, he doesn't know i enjoy going out to night clubs to dance and have fun with my friends there is so much more he doesn't know and that he hasn't taken the opertunity to find out. i'm here waiting not out of love but out of devotion. i havn't thought of another man and i don't believe i can because of him, he doesn't know that no matter how much my mind is saying give up my heart keeps saying hold on with all you got!

broken

Me and Clayton have been back together a little over a month in a half and now he decides that our relationship is going to fast... and once again we hit a brick wall that just will not break. I don't understand how we are going to fast when we are in two seprate countrys and we barly get to discus anything larger than the legal matters of our marriage. i shouldn't want to be with him i shouldn't wish he was home with me but i do i cant help it i love him. it drains me somtimes knowing that there is somthing in his mind saying he doesn't love me enough to show anytype of affection. i've done everything i can do to show him i am here and i am not going anywhere but i guess i shouldn't be in that mindset. He lied to me when he said he was commited and was willing to do anything to prove it. the night i went to NC to be with him B4 he deployed he rather get high, i ask him to do one simple thing and add me to his facebook and he couldn't even do that. in the back of my mind all i can think is he is still talking to that other girl. i feel like i'm going a gainst a brick wall and i don't have anything left to break it down. i don't know what else to do i know it's going to hurt like hell but maybe i should just let the flame i thought we still had burn out befor it knocks over and catches me on fire. it hurts sooo much and i don't think i can come back from this place this empty feeling i have in my chest. i cant do anything to change his mind obveously, and i can't do anything to change my heart.