update on all things trish and clayton

Clayton has just completed his fourth month of his deployment and he has another gour or five to go befor he comes home for R&R, I'm finishing my second month of training for my X2 and i have one more to go. we have started looking for apartments around Fort Leonard Wood, Mo. we havn't had any arguements or sepertation in the past month or so. I'm getting out all of the partying while i'm in Texas so i will have no excuse to do it when we move, I've made some good friends in the process. Clayton is knocking out school while he can. i'm so proud of him. i hope he knows how much i love him. i've made mistakes and i'm sorry for them but that doesn't mean that i didn't love him and that i havn't learned from those mistakes that will help me be a better person and a better wife. (i don't know why i thru that in there but i did)

back on track

i got to talk to Clayton yesterday, he has some uncertainties and i understand that i have my own. we've both did some real dirty things to eachother, and weve both misplaced trust that we wernt completly comfortable with. The distance and the years have worn on both of our hearts. we have both changed in many diffrent ways and it's going to take work to get us on track again. i belieave we can do it though i love him sooo much and am willing to prove that we can do it as a joint effort!

Ups and downs

so me and claytong are on the down again, It's sooo frustrating he's to busy being confused and causious that he doesn't even take the time to open his eyes and see who i realy am. Ive changed so much over the years and he rather concentrate on who i was or saying he doesn't know who i am to actually get to know me. he doesn't know that my favorite place on earth is when i'm sitting on my surf bored in the middle of the ocean, he doesn't know that my favorite food is a kabob, he probably hasn't even taken notice that my favorite color is blue or my favorite flower is a lilly or that when i get out of the army i want to go back to school to raise the standards of my children, he doesn't know that ive given my life to god and i live a diffrent way now and my faith is a major part of my life, he doesn't know i enjoy going out to night clubs to dance and have fun with my friends there is so much more he doesn't know and that he hasn't taken the opertunity to find out. i'm here waiting not out of love but out of devotion. i havn't thought of another man and i don't believe i can because of him, he doesn't know that no matter how much my mind is saying give up my heart keeps saying hold on with all you got!

broken

Me and Clayton have been back together a little over a month in a half and now he decides that our relationship is going to fast... and once again we hit a brick wall that just will not break. I don't understand how we are going to fast when we are in two seprate countrys and we barly get to discus anything larger than the legal matters of our marriage. i shouldn't want to be with him i shouldn't wish he was home with me but i do i cant help it i love him. it drains me somtimes knowing that there is somthing in his mind saying he doesn't love me enough to show anytype of affection. i've done everything i can do to show him i am here and i am not going anywhere but i guess i shouldn't be in that mindset. He lied to me when he said he was commited and was willing to do anything to prove it. the night i went to NC to be with him B4 he deployed he rather get high, i ask him to do one simple thing and add me to his facebook and he couldn't even do that. in the back of my mind all i can think is he is still talking to that other girl. i feel like i'm going a gainst a brick wall and i don't have anything left to break it down. i don't know what else to do i know it's going to hurt like hell but maybe i should just let the flame i thought we still had burn out befor it knocks over and catches me on fire. it hurts sooo much and i don't think i can come back from this place this empty feeling i have in my chest. i cant do anything to change his mind obveously, and i can't do anything to change my heart.

Guilty

So i'm admitting it i am so guilty right now, I let myself get so stressed and so frustrated that i took it all out on Clayton. i know that i shouldn't of let it get that far but i did and now i'm soooo woried that he doesn't even want to talk to me. every one has told me that if he realy loves me and we are realy ment to be somthing as small as this shouldn't be such a deal but i feel so bad. I realy wish i could hear his voice and have him tell me it's ok and that we are ok. I sent his wedding ring to him and a box of goodies a couple of days before i went all crazy and i'm hoping that it'll be more than enough to say i'm sorry and i love you and i'm not insane and that i realy love you and etc. i'm just sooo woried, and scared if it's over it's gonna cut me deap, i didn't hold back this time and i gave myself in every aspect sooo i'm scared and i realy want to know that we are ok

three days and no word

.so about three days ago my husband was simi bragging about the alarm on his post going off, which in the back of my mind means that he is in serious danger even though it might not be anything at all well i havn't gotten to talk to him in about three days and i've been worried to be honest i've been going out of my mind. and after the inecial fear that he could be hurt i started worrying about what if he's changed his mind and has decided to leave me. i don't know which scared me more. i miss him so much and i worry about him and i worry about us. it's so hard doing this apart thing when we've been apart for soooo long and our relationship hasn't been a real relationship. i'm scared more than anything of losing him expecialy after i've commited myself to him in each and every way. I'm scared of him getting hurt or dying. i don't know what i would do if i ever had to go thru thinking that i would never see him again, if i thought i would never see his silly grin or that spark in his eye i would be lost. i've never loved somone like him. we have been through soo much and we are still trying to make it work that is real love. i love him thruogh it all even though at some points i didn't show it. i'm just so scared of losing him and the past three days with no word has been hell because i thought that one way or another i might of lost him.

Things I Look Forward To

I'm looking forward to laying down at night with my head on my husband's chest.
I'm looking forward to waking up in the morning and watching him sleep for the first part of every day.
I'm looking forward to making coffee, eggs, bacon, with toast on Saturday mornings.
I'm looking forward to going to church on Sundays.
I'm looking forward to cooking dinners during the week.
I'm looking forward to making plans for long vacations.
I'm looking forward to holidays and spending time with our families.
I'm looking forward to a long list of first.
I'm looking forward to silly fights over nothing important and nothing permanent.
I'm looking forward to "I'm sorry" said through stubborn lips.
I'm looking forward to sharing our lives together. The ups, downs, the good, the bad and the life that isn't always going to be easy, life isn't always going to be beautiful but it's gonna be one hell of a future.