Guilty

So i'm admitting it i am so guilty right now, I let myself get so stressed and so frustrated that i took it all out on Clayton. i know that i shouldn't of let it get that far but i did and now i'm soooo woried that he doesn't even want to talk to me. every one has told me that if he realy loves me and we are realy ment to be somthing as small as this shouldn't be such a deal but i feel so bad. I realy wish i could hear his voice and have him tell me it's ok and that we are ok. I sent his wedding ring to him and a box of goodies a couple of days before i went all crazy and i'm hoping that it'll be more than enough to say i'm sorry and i love you and i'm not insane and that i realy love you and etc. i'm just sooo woried, and scared if it's over it's gonna cut me deap, i didn't hold back this time and i gave myself in every aspect sooo i'm scared and i realy want to know that we are ok

three days and no word

.so about three days ago my husband was simi bragging about the alarm on his post going off, which in the back of my mind means that he is in serious danger even though it might not be anything at all well i havn't gotten to talk to him in about three days and i've been worried to be honest i've been going out of my mind. and after the inecial fear that he could be hurt i started worrying about what if he's changed his mind and has decided to leave me. i don't know which scared me more. i miss him so much and i worry about him and i worry about us. it's so hard doing this apart thing when we've been apart for soooo long and our relationship hasn't been a real relationship. i'm scared more than anything of losing him expecialy after i've commited myself to him in each and every way. I'm scared of him getting hurt or dying. i don't know what i would do if i ever had to go thru thinking that i would never see him again, if i thought i would never see his silly grin or that spark in his eye i would be lost. i've never loved somone like him. we have been through soo much and we are still trying to make it work that is real love. i love him thruogh it all even though at some points i didn't show it. i'm just so scared of losing him and the past three days with no word has been hell because i thought that one way or another i might of lost him.

Things I Look Forward To

I'm looking forward to laying down at night with my head on my husband's chest.
I'm looking forward to waking up in the morning and watching him sleep for the first part of every day.
I'm looking forward to making coffee, eggs, bacon, with toast on Saturday mornings.
I'm looking forward to going to church on Sundays.
I'm looking forward to cooking dinners during the week.
I'm looking forward to making plans for long vacations.
I'm looking forward to holidays and spending time with our families.
I'm looking forward to a long list of first.
I'm looking forward to silly fights over nothing important and nothing permanent.
I'm looking forward to "I'm sorry" said through stubborn lips.
I'm looking forward to sharing our lives together. The ups, downs, the good, the bad and the life that isn't always going to be easy, life isn't always going to be beautiful but it's gonna be one hell of a future.

Taking care of buisness

so i went to fort dix and submitted my paperwork for my DEERs, it was a whole lot easier to just submit the paperwork and have the paperwork put into the computer. so that part is taken care of. now i'm going to west point tomorrow to fix my DTS. then after that i'm putting in the da 4187s to get enrolled to married army couples program and joint domicile. that will alow me and clayton to live together after he gets done with his deployment. that makes me extreamly excited! we will be able to be a real couple without miles and oceans in between the two of us. i love the thought of buying our furnature for our house, and then hopfully in the future we will be buying baby clothes and cribs. i'm so excited to start our life together!!!

Claytons Unit

clayton is the third on the bottom from the left to right

words unsaid

so i'm learning... how not to say the words i want to hear. I'm always the one who tells clayton i love you and i miss you and i wait for him to echo the words back. so i'm holding back the words until he relises that i'm not saying them. then he'll start thinking about it and wondering why i'm not saying it and hoping that he will relise i want to hear the words just as much as he's missing me saying the words. the book i've been reading talks about the way to tactfully get what i want without being the nagging wife. its not easy i want to bitch about how he never tells me the romantic things he used; or how he never does anything romantic like he used to once apon a time. I'm giving him time and praying that he would start doing those things again. I miss him and i'm trying to be the best wife i can be.