update on all things trish and clayton

Clayton has just completed his fourth month of his deployment and he has another gour or five to go befor he comes home for R&R, I'm finishing my second month of training for my X2 and i have one more to go. we have started looking for apartments around Fort Leonard Wood, Mo. we havn't had any arguements or sepertation in the past month or so. I'm getting out all of the partying while i'm in Texas so i will have no excuse to do it when we move, I've made some good friends in the process. Clayton is knocking out school while he can. i'm so proud of him. i hope he knows how much i love him. i've made mistakes and i'm sorry for them but that doesn't mean that i didn't love him and that i havn't learned from those mistakes that will help me be a better person and a better wife. (i don't know why i thru that in there but i did)

back on track

i got to talk to Clayton yesterday, he has some uncertainties and i understand that i have my own. we've both did some real dirty things to eachother, and weve both misplaced trust that we wernt completly comfortable with. The distance and the years have worn on both of our hearts. we have both changed in many diffrent ways and it's going to take work to get us on track again. i belieave we can do it though i love him sooo much and am willing to prove that we can do it as a joint effort!

Ups and downs

so me and claytong are on the down again, It's sooo frustrating he's to busy being confused and causious that he doesn't even take the time to open his eyes and see who i realy am. Ive changed so much over the years and he rather concentrate on who i was or saying he doesn't know who i am to actually get to know me. he doesn't know that my favorite place on earth is when i'm sitting on my surf bored in the middle of the ocean, he doesn't know that my favorite food is a kabob, he probably hasn't even taken notice that my favorite color is blue or my favorite flower is a lilly or that when i get out of the army i want to go back to school to raise the standards of my children, he doesn't know that ive given my life to god and i live a diffrent way now and my faith is a major part of my life, he doesn't know i enjoy going out to night clubs to dance and have fun with my friends there is so much more he doesn't know and that he hasn't taken the opertunity to find out. i'm here waiting not out of love but out of devotion. i havn't thought of another man and i don't believe i can because of him, he doesn't know that no matter how much my mind is saying give up my heart keeps saying hold on with all you got!

broken

Me and Clayton have been back together a little over a month in a half and now he decides that our relationship is going to fast... and once again we hit a brick wall that just will not break. I don't understand how we are going to fast when we are in two seprate countrys and we barly get to discus anything larger than the legal matters of our marriage. i shouldn't want to be with him i shouldn't wish he was home with me but i do i cant help it i love him. it drains me somtimes knowing that there is somthing in his mind saying he doesn't love me enough to show anytype of affection. i've done everything i can do to show him i am here and i am not going anywhere but i guess i shouldn't be in that mindset. He lied to me when he said he was commited and was willing to do anything to prove it. the night i went to NC to be with him B4 he deployed he rather get high, i ask him to do one simple thing and add me to his facebook and he couldn't even do that. in the back of my mind all i can think is he is still talking to that other girl. i feel like i'm going a gainst a brick wall and i don't have anything left to break it down. i don't know what else to do i know it's going to hurt like hell but maybe i should just let the flame i thought we still had burn out befor it knocks over and catches me on fire. it hurts sooo much and i don't think i can come back from this place this empty feeling i have in my chest. i cant do anything to change his mind obveously, and i can't do anything to change my heart.

Guilty

So i'm admitting it i am so guilty right now, I let myself get so stressed and so frustrated that i took it all out on Clayton. i know that i shouldn't of let it get that far but i did and now i'm soooo woried that he doesn't even want to talk to me. every one has told me that if he realy loves me and we are realy ment to be somthing as small as this shouldn't be such a deal but i feel so bad. I realy wish i could hear his voice and have him tell me it's ok and that we are ok. I sent his wedding ring to him and a box of goodies a couple of days before i went all crazy and i'm hoping that it'll be more than enough to say i'm sorry and i love you and i'm not insane and that i realy love you and etc. i'm just sooo woried, and scared if it's over it's gonna cut me deap, i didn't hold back this time and i gave myself in every aspect sooo i'm scared and i realy want to know that we are ok

three days and no word

.so about three days ago my husband was simi bragging about the alarm on his post going off, which in the back of my mind means that he is in serious danger even though it might not be anything at all well i havn't gotten to talk to him in about three days and i've been worried to be honest i've been going out of my mind. and after the inecial fear that he could be hurt i started worrying about what if he's changed his mind and has decided to leave me. i don't know which scared me more. i miss him so much and i worry about him and i worry about us. it's so hard doing this apart thing when we've been apart for soooo long and our relationship hasn't been a real relationship. i'm scared more than anything of losing him expecialy after i've commited myself to him in each and every way. I'm scared of him getting hurt or dying. i don't know what i would do if i ever had to go thru thinking that i would never see him again, if i thought i would never see his silly grin or that spark in his eye i would be lost. i've never loved somone like him. we have been through soo much and we are still trying to make it work that is real love. i love him thruogh it all even though at some points i didn't show it. i'm just so scared of losing him and the past three days with no word has been hell because i thought that one way or another i might of lost him.

Things I Look Forward To

I'm looking forward to laying down at night with my head on my husband's chest.
I'm looking forward to waking up in the morning and watching him sleep for the first part of every day.
I'm looking forward to making coffee, eggs, bacon, with toast on Saturday mornings.
I'm looking forward to going to church on Sundays.
I'm looking forward to cooking dinners during the week.
I'm looking forward to making plans for long vacations.
I'm looking forward to holidays and spending time with our families.
I'm looking forward to a long list of first.
I'm looking forward to silly fights over nothing important and nothing permanent.
I'm looking forward to "I'm sorry" said through stubborn lips.
I'm looking forward to sharing our lives together. The ups, downs, the good, the bad and the life that isn't always going to be easy, life isn't always going to be beautiful but it's gonna be one hell of a future.

Taking care of buisness

so i went to fort dix and submitted my paperwork for my DEERs, it was a whole lot easier to just submit the paperwork and have the paperwork put into the computer. so that part is taken care of. now i'm going to west point tomorrow to fix my DTS. then after that i'm putting in the da 4187s to get enrolled to married army couples program and joint domicile. that will alow me and clayton to live together after he gets done with his deployment. that makes me extreamly excited! we will be able to be a real couple without miles and oceans in between the two of us. i love the thought of buying our furnature for our house, and then hopfully in the future we will be buying baby clothes and cribs. i'm so excited to start our life together!!!

Claytons Unit

clayton is the third on the bottom from the left to right

words unsaid

so i'm learning... how not to say the words i want to hear. I'm always the one who tells clayton i love you and i miss you and i wait for him to echo the words back. so i'm holding back the words until he relises that i'm not saying them. then he'll start thinking about it and wondering why i'm not saying it and hoping that he will relise i want to hear the words just as much as he's missing me saying the words. the book i've been reading talks about the way to tactfully get what i want without being the nagging wife. its not easy i want to bitch about how he never tells me the romantic things he used; or how he never does anything romantic like he used to once apon a time. I'm giving him time and praying that he would start doing those things again. I miss him and i'm trying to be the best wife i can be.

How i feel

so I'm getting the empty feeling, I've tried to talk to clayton about how i'm feeling but the skype didn't work and i'm feeling like he wouldn't realy care anyway. I want to hear him tell me he loves me without me having to tell him first. I want to know that there's noone else. I'm giving myelf to him, i'm not talking to anyone i'm not physically with anyone else, i'm waiting for him to come home and i'm waiting for us to have a chance to be together and to have a fighting chance. when i talk to him about whats going on with our paperwork that deals with us being married he just shrugs it off and say I don't know, and in translation i don't know realy means i don't care. I don't know if thats how he realy feels but thats how i feel he feels and if he doesn't tell me diffrent how am i suppose to know. I know that if i could just be strong until he gets home if i could just last six more months until i get to see him for more than four days, we might have a fighting chance. but how am i suppose to get thru these next few months if i don't have my needs met. I can survive without my physical needs not being met, but i need my emotional needs met because that affects how i feel every day. if i'm holding my self for a man who can meet my emotional needs but just choses not to shows me that he realy doesnt care or love me and thats not somone i should be wanting to be with...

Moving, TDY to texas, and then PCS to missiouri

So the life of a Soldier\Army wife is never easy, my lease to my apartment is up at the end of this week so i have to move my mom into a new apartment or room, i leave for Texas in three weeks on TDY for three months and on my return to NJ i must PCS to MO, and two months after that Clayton comes home for R&R and he wants to go on a vacation. which is what im going to need after all of this moving around (more moving) im stressed because i have to still find a place for my mom to live since my lease is up, i have to fix my travel card, my car and pack to go on my TDY to texas.

one more day

Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl
Then I'd unplug the telephone
And keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second
Say a million I love you's
That's what I'd do, with one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

Leave me wishing still, for one more day
Leave me wishing still, for one more day

I am not the perfect Army Wife. The deployments sometimes get to me and there are times when nothing seems to go right when he's gone.I think about how wonderful it would be to have my Soldier home all the time. There are times when he is home I push him away so ti doesn't hurt so bad when he leaves again. At night I cry because I can no longer handle trying to stay strong. There are times when feel like walking away from this life I have built, but when I stop and think about it, I remember how much I love my man and I am proud to be an Army Wife.

today was hard i din't get to talk to him and i realy needed to. I'm stressed He told me not to worry and not to stress but it's so hard not to. I sat down and looked around at the mess and boxes that i had to pack it into and all i wanted to do is cry. I want him to be able to wrap his arms around me i want to be able to have him hold me close and tell me not to worry and not to stress. I feel like i can't breath. I feel like one day without talking to him my walls are closing in. Its so frustrating because i'm not some weak women who cant carry on when my husband is deployed. I'm a soldier myself i know how the military works. that's whats so frustrating because i have to fix my paperwork in the personel section so we can live together, start our family but clayton hasn't helped. Thats frstrating all in it'self i'm hoping he'll be able to get and fill out the paperwork and send them back with hopfully a little money to pay for the proxy stuff.

PROXY MARRIAGE

so i started the process of doing the only thing i can right now to fix the paperwork so my marital status says married again, this whole thing has been so frustrating. i wish we never got divorce in the first place. I'm hoping clayton can do all the paperwork so we can start over with our new life together. i'm going to have the paperwork done within the week and i'm hoping clayton can do it also and send it back ASAP because i need to have all this paperwork done befor i leave to go to Texas. I'm hoping that we can get done. so i can have housing when i get to MO.

my fears

We've (Clayton and Me) have been so much over the years, a miscarriage, seperation, infedelity, a divorce and many ups and downs and back and forwards. I've prayed and pleaded for the streagth to start over. so far we've been doing realy good. i've had to talk to him about my fears which isnt like me bc i keep it in. im scared he's going to cheat im scared he's going to change his mind and leave. its hard to over come fears that have already been a reality at one point in our relationship. i know that im not going to allow myself to find comfort in the arms of another man. i've made that mistake befor and i believe that is one reason we ended up seperating in the first place. i love clayton so much and i would never do anything that would bring us back to that point. im praying for his safty and im praying for the streagth to be the woman that he needs me to be

US Military tribute song is when your gone

ARMY WIFE CREED

I am the wife of an American soldier.

I am a supporter of the United States Army -

an encouragement for the protectors of the greatest nation on earth

Because i am proud of my husband and the uniform that he wears.

I will always act in ways creditable to him,

the military service and the nation he is sworn to guard.

i am proud of my husband. i will do all i can to protect

and provide for my family in his absence. i will be loyal to my husband

and to the vows that we made as we entered the covenant of marriage.

I will do my full part to carry on the values and goals we have set apart for our family

and i will continue to sinstruct our children in the same manner.

as a soldier's wife, i realize that i play a vital role

in my husbands decision to become a memeber of a time honored profession

that i am doing my share to keep alive the principles of freedom

for which my country stands.

No matter what situation i am in, I will never so anything for pleasure, profit, or personal safty,

which will disgrace my husband, his uniform or our country.

i will use every means i have to encourage my husband to be

the best soldier that he can be.

i am proud of my husband, my coutry and it's flag.

i will try to make my husband proud of the manner

in which i accept his decision to defend my freedom and

the freedom of all american citzens

for i am the wife of an American Soldier

Background

Me and Clayton met in July 2007 in front of a finance hall on Fort Sam Houston during our first week of dental assistant school for the united states army. From the moment our eyes met we were the it couple. He followed me into the main hall to insure that i made it safly to my friends side. I setteled into my seat and started to focus on the lecture, when i felt a tap on my shoulder. When i turned around to see who dare interupt a LT. during the lecture i found the fool that would adventually become my husband and in his hand he held a note. We wrote back and forth threwout the whole lecture and still to this day i still have no idea what that LT was trying to teach us. Within a hour we had our whole lives planned right down to the ranch on the border of Arkansas and Missiori. Two and a half months later we got married and a month after that we got married and a month after that he was in korea.

The first three months were slow and agonising. It was so hard to wait at home for his return everytime i heared his voice there was the sound of drunken fun and the suspicion of him cheating seemed to grow with each email or call. I would hear the girls in the back ground and it made me wonder if i was patiently waiting spending what was left of my young life, my life of freedom as a nieve little girl in love with one man who was inlove with other women. Befor Clayton i had only be in love with one man, i had only been physical with four men in a time and place where it was natural to have more than 4 lovers a week. I started feeling trapped and used and betrayed by a man that i swore to love and be faithful to. I made a mistake.

After I made a that mistake i made a choice to go active duty army so i could travel to Korea to try to make it work with my husband. During the tration i made another mistake and when i got to korea i relised my husband had been making his own mistakes. I tryied to forget about what we did but guilt and betrayle made me push my husband away and we ended up getting a korean divorce. There was times when all i wanted was to turn to him and tell him how much i loved him and how much i needed him but instead i turned to another man out of my foolish pride. It took two years befor we saw eachother again and reconsiled. Then he deployed to Iraq. I know it's going to be hard for the next year. There is going to be allot of lonly night while he's gone but i know that all of those lonly nights are going to pay off when he gets home. I know it's going to be so much better when we get to live in our own house, sleep in our own bed together.

I have insecurities and i know my husband is a man which means that he doesn't want to reinsure me every second of the day, expecially since he's in Iraq away from everything that he's used to. He doesn't need to know my insecurities because it might make him have his own. I don't want that. I want us to be a happy couple and i want to be with my husband Because i love him so much and i know that if we can make it thru all we've been thru we can survive it all together.